In case you haven’t heard, I’m leaving Blizzard Entertainment.
If you know me, you know Blizzard Entertainment has been the only goal I’ve had in life. I was raised by Blizzard. I have Blizzard in my veins. Blizzard is a large part of my identity.
This piece is from a journal entry I made on January 13th, 2017 with the irrelevant parts removed. That was the day after I gave my notice to resign. My journal entries are weird, I write them kind of like stories to myself. They are written so that I may remember what I felt should I read them again.
January 13th, 2017
I was not prepared to talk to HR today, not at all. I had a meeting booked with a woman named Becky. I met her in Dina’s office at 2:57 pm. I remember the time because I looked at my watch and noticed I was a few minutes early. She wasn’t seeing anyone so she called me in.
She talked a bit. Her voice was sweet. I felt really comfortable. She wanted to hear from me to confirm that I was really leaving my job at Blizzard.
I explained to her a shallow version of my current life situation. I said my piece. I expected peace. What I got was anything but.
I remember her saying the words termination process.
When those words hit my ears, an ocean crowded my eyes. It was hard to see. It was hard to breathe. I stared at the floor. I clenched my fists. I bit my tongue. I could hear her but I could not understand what she was saying. I was unable to speak. Speechless. She brought me a box of tissues. I took one and hid my face in it.
When I finally mustered the strength to speak, I found myself apologizing to her – as if I had let her down. I was saying sorry to a woman I did not know, for a sin I did not commit.
I don’t remember much of the conversation that followed. As soon as she finished speaking I asked her if I could leave. She told me I could.
I went for a walk.
When I stepped outside I spit blood. I bit my tongue to hard. I was disgusted with myself, I felt horrible. I walked for what must have been a half hour. Foolishly I checked my phone, hoping that someone had replied to a text message I sent earlier in the day. I texted several more people. Anyone at this point would do, I thought to myself, someone talk to me.
After a few agonizing minutes my mind shifted to a negative state. “Forget them”, I thought, in much harsher words.
I went to dinner alone. I had some rice. I threw most of it away. I poured some shots. Fireball. Fucking Fireball.
Replies came far to late. I tried to feel happy but I couldn’t.
My phone stared at me, as if it wanted to disappoint me. I picked it up and put it in my dresser. I couldn’t unlock it. I knew it had nothing nice to say.
Friday will be my last day at Blizzard and no one knows.
I have Tuesday off next week and no one knows.
Today really sucked. I hope tomorrow is better.
FYI, tomorrow was better.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this, maybe this is me acknowledging that I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’ll be in five years. I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year, let alone next week.
What I do know, however, is that despite all this chaos, I wouldn’t change a thing. All the people I’ve had the honor to meet, the friends I’ve made, the experiences, positive and negative, I wouldn’t undo any of it.
I’m putting this on the internet because why not. I’ve got nothing to lose – I’m a human, I feel things, sometimes I say things.
To the Blizzard tribe, thank you for accepting me, thank you for letting me live my dream.
Thanks for reading.